Monday, July 03, 2006

Short Essay Contest Winners

The Essay Contest entitled "If I Were President of the SBC, I Would . . . " received a number of excellent entries, and more than a few humorous ones.

As promised, there are two winners as determined by a panel of three judges --- one for the wisest essay as deemed by the panel, and one for the most humorous.

The judges wish to remain anonymous, so don't bother asking, and don't complain to me! :)

Really, thanks to all who took the time to enter. If the two winners will send me their mailing addresses I will send the prize to you later this week.

The Wisest Advice Essay Winner (by Dave Samples)

If I were president of the SBC, I would...

#1--Seek to reconcile and rebuild relationships with both the BGCT and the BGAV. How can God truly bless us if we are at odds with our brothers and sisters? (Matthew 5:23-24).

#2--Hold "live satellite" conventions in every state convention allowing a truly representative convention. Wouldn't it be cool if every SBC church was actually represented and voting at the SBC?

#3--Reorganize each of our boards in order to streamline effectiveness and to minimize expense.

#4--Initiate a national ad campaign to proclaim the gospel and the positives of SBC churches. Answer the question: "What are we for?"

(Judges comments: Brief, pointed, concrete plans that actually could be implemented within a short span of time).


The Most Humorous Essay Winner (by Brett)

If I were elected President of the SBC, I would...

a. Show up at the press conference with those fake buck teeth in.

b. Call Class of '88 "Mr. Most Likely to Succeed" and ask what's goin' on in his life these days.

c. Inform the newly elected 2nd Vice President that his job at the convention, during all business sessions, is to make sure that all the restrooms are fully supplied, thereby ensuring that the most widely asked question of the San Antonio Convention would not be "Who was the genius that suggested we should be in San Antonio in June?" but would be "Where's Wiley?"

d. Buy a ranch out West somewhere so I can chop wood and ride horses for the media.

e. Take Bobby's old bus and beg the producers of MTV's "Pimp My Ride" to transform it...with Al Mohler's mug on the side, right beside the text "Tonight on Larry King"

f. Donate the newly pimped SBC Bus to the Southern Baptist Historical Library and Archives for posterity.

g. Get a custom equipped Boeing 747-200B and call it SBC-1.

h. Urge Hayes Wicker to really draw the theologues to San Antonio with
"Mohler/Patterson II: the Cage Match"

i. Issue a statement titled "Patterson's Left Hook: the Truth about Mohler's Supposed Cornea Surgery Before Greensboro"

j. Use my childrens' toy mallet as a gavel when people start acting childish.

k. Conclude my Introduction of whichever politician the Bush administration sends to San Antonio with these words: "And it is my great privelege to inform you that in an unprecedented display of gratitude for our Convention's unwavering loyalty to the Republican party, our next speaker just pledged to give 10% of his/her gross income to the Cooperative Program!"

l. Grant clemency to Wade Burleson.

(Judges comments: Humor is often in the ear of the beholder, but after reading this outloud twice, we laughed harder the second time than the first.)

Congratulations to the two winners.

Tomorrow's post will list the names of the committee members for the International Mission Board with a special focus on the chairmen of the respective committees as appointed by Chairman of the Board Dr. John Floyd.

Have a happy 4th of July holiday!

In His Grace,

Wade Burleson


irreverend fox said...

you ripped me off Wade! My posts were by FAR the wisest!

What a joke!

Not only were they the most wise posts offered...but they were offered with the most humility.

I know that this is because I don't have a private prayer langauge and you are on the war path!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back. This is a bit off topic...okay, WAY off-topic.

If you would indulge me, I'd like to offer the readers a diversionary blog (when they need a break from the polysyllabic banter) that my daughter, Claire, (Tom Nettles's niece!) is doing on food that she cooks for us. She is a rising M2 (2nd year med student) at Univ. of Mississippi, and a God-fearing and -loving young woman and great cook. Check out

Thanks and enjoy

Bob Cleveland said...


Good choices. But I am forced to point out that, as it was Al Mohler's LEFT eye which had the surgery, it would've been Pattersons' RIGHT hook that did the damage.

Ah well....

Dave Samples said...


Who would have thought that an "unknown" from Colorado would have a shot at winning the much coveted Wade Burleson Essay Contest? I want to thank my mom, my 7th Grade English teacher, and my dog, "Pooh". I have two quick questions, "What was it that I won again?" and "Does anyone know what I can get for it on Ebay?"

Brett said...

First of all, I'd like to thank the Academy.

And next I'd like to thank Ben, Marty, Kiki, Tim, Steve, Timmy, Tad, Micah, Art, and all the other bloggers who have reached that elusive blogosphere status of "first-name" only! Like Prince and Madonna, you need only mention their first names, and everyone knows which blog you are referring to. They are kind of like megachurch pastors, "I go to Johnny's church" or "Have you ever been to Ronnie's church?" I thank them because they withheld their best humor to let little old me win.

Just when I thought that no one cared about my blog, I realize for the first time in my life, I'm now in the same league as Sally Field and I know that "You love me. You really, really love me!"

Like Dave Samples, I am astounded that I am in the position in which I find myself.

I'd also like to express my admiration for Bob Cleveland. I was wondering who would be the first to expose the logical inconsistency of Patterson's LEFT hook causing the damage to Mohler's LEFT eye. However, I must elaborate to bring clarification.

You see, Al, through his frequent visits to the set of Larry King Live, has been applying his keen obsevation skills to learn the ancient art of dodging. He has been learning from the other "Christian" experts on the show as they dodge questions that demand taking a position on an issue. Anyway, Al is a slow learner in this area. And as Patterson's LEFT hook was slicing through the air toward Mohler's RIGHT eye, Al dodged the wrong way (to the right) unintentionally placing his LEFT eye right in the path of Patterson's LEFT hook.

Nice try, Bob, but keep watching CSI, and you'll learn how to think through ALL the possibilities before you jump to conclusions.

Finally, thanks to Wade for providing this platform for our talents and for possibly providing a secure financial future for our great-great-great grandchildren.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to put my teeth in. The press are waiting outside.

Bob Cleveland said...


Wrong-O, free-book-breath....

My conclusion, to which I still ascribe, is that the punch was thrown from the rear quarter. Sort of a sneak attack. That makes a lot more sense, particularly if one attended the convention "target practice" concerning Calvinism.

Of which was said, by Drayton Nabors, newly elected Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice, a week ago Saturday over breakfast, "How DOES one debate AGAINST the sovereignty of God"?

At least I ought to get the prize for longest distance traveled to drop a name.

Kevin Bussey said...

Congrats to the winners.

I'm bumbed because I wanted your book! :)

Happy 4th!

Jeremy Green said...

There is no doubt that Brett is definitely deserving of "Most Humurous," I think that he proved this once again with his acceptance speech. I appreciate Dave's as well. However, I am uncertain as to how we should go about reconciling with the BGCT and the BGAV. Has there beliefs concerning the inerrancy of the Scripture changed recently? Have they experienced a theological, missiological, and evangelistic revival? In fact, has the SBC distanced itself from them, or was it not the other way around? In my personal observation, it isn't that we are, or ever have been, at odds with them, but that they are at odds with God, His Word, and those that desire to faithfully serve Him. Thanks and God bless!!!

In Christ,

Todd said...

Always a bridesmaid...

Brett's was pretty doggone good, if I do say so myself.

I know there was no second place, but I'm gonna pretend that I was it.

I won't lie hurts a bit. North Korea, Ken Lay, and now this...I don't know how much I can handle in one day.

Plus, I remembered this morning that I never learned how to ride a bike.

Dave Samples said...

My brother Jeremy,

The "how" of reconciliation is always tough and is perhaps the subject of another essay. I simply point out the need for it. I'm not sure of the answers to your questions or even their relevence to the subject of reconciliation. Jesus seems to clearly state the essential need for reconciliation between brothers when he says, "so if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23-24, HCSB). I take Jesus' words to mean that reconciliation is of more value to God than even our offerings. Reconciliation is important to God! Does that mean that we live a life of compromise? Of course not! It simply means that we live a life of grace--loving even as we have been loved. As has often been stated, we can disagree with out being disagreeable!

Even as I have been writing this response I have become aware and convicted by the Holy Spirit of someone in my circle that I need call and seek reconciliation with. I will do so as quickly as I log off.

May God's blessings be upon you Jeremy.

Rex Ray said...

Congratulations to Brett on the most Humorous. The ‘fake buck teeth’ did it for me.

Congratulations to Dave Samples.

Your #2 “Hold “live satellite” conventions in ever state convention allowing a truly representative convention” is absolutely great.

That alone is good enough to win the contest.

Your # 1 of reconciling with BGCT and the BGAV will never happen because too many people would have to admit they’re wrong.
Through out history, the side that condemns the other usually is proven to be in the wrong.
Why not judge these two by their fruits instead of arguing they believe the Bible incorrectly—about like arguing which end of the egg should be broken.

In this contest I believe there were no losers as each of us gave our best and may have gained some insight in our own minds as well as others.

Rex Ray

Jeremy Green said...


I appreciate your heart in desiring reconciliation within the SBC. I too believe that the reconciliation of brothers is important to God. I also believe that the SBC would love to be reconciled with those of our brethren that are "prodigal" (Luke 15). Unlike the other brother in Jesus' parable, Southern Baptists would likewise rejoice with our Heavenly Father if our wayward brethren would return to serve together with those that love the Father and His inerrant Word.

My point is simply that as of yet we have not truly seen any desire whatsoever of our wayward brethren to reconcile themselves to our Heavenly Father and His Word. Thus, my comments were as follows: "Has the SBC distanced itself from them, or was it not the other way around? In my personal observation, it isn't that we are, or ever have been, at odds with them, but that they are at odds with God, His Word, and those that desire to faithfully serve Him."

I agree with you that reconcilliation would be great and I pray that it will take place. However, the "prodigal" must first return to the Father. Then, we shall rejoice with Him that our wayward brethren have come home. God bless!!!

In Christ,

Jeremy Green said...


I appreciate your desire for reconciliation to take place within the SBC. I too believe that God desires for restoration to take place and am certain that Southern Baptists would love to be reconciled to our wayward brethren as well. However, as of yet there have been no signs that the "prodigal" has any desire whatsoever to return to the Father (Luke 15). Unlike the other brother in Jesus' parable, I believe Southern Baptist's would rejoice along with the Father at the return of our wayward brethren.

Thus my comments were as follows: "Has the SBC distanced itself from them, or was it not the other way around? In my personal observation, it isn't that we are, or ever have been, at odds with them, but that they are at odds with God, His Word, and those that desire to faithfully serve Him."

Is true reconciliation possible without repentance? Is it not necessary that the wayward brethren return with a repentant heart? Then, we as Southern Baptists will be able to rejoice with our Heavenly Father. God bless!!!

In Christ,

Jeff Richard Young said...

Dear Friends,

Let me identify myself. I am Assistant Deputy Young of the Baptist Blog Decency Police. I will have to issue both Wade and Brett a citation for using the word "pimp" on a Baptist Blog.

Friends, this word is the worst kind of slang. It is derived from the term for a man who controls a group of women through drug addiction or other means and then prostitutes them. Please, for the glory of Christ and the testimony of His holiness, use some other word.

Love in Christ,

Association Deputy Young

Wayne Smith said...


That is what I love about you. You correct us in a LOVING Manner as CHRIST would correct us.

Your Brother in CHRIST.

Anonymous said...

Gospel according to Webster....

Pronunciation: 'pimp
Function: noun
Etymology: probably akin to British dialect pimp; small bundle of sticks,
Middle English pymple papule,
German Pimpf young boy, kid, literally, little fart, Pumpf, Pumps fart

transitive verb : to make use of often dishonorably for one's own gain or benefit

I believe that using ones position to obtain a rebuild of a car would adhere to the transitive verb.....

Paul used coarse words (which we have toned down) to discribe "I count it all "dung" for the exceeding greatness......

Maybe it's time for Baptists to call a "spade" a "spade"

Tim Sweatman said...

Once again my propensity for long-windedness---technically, long-typedness, I guess?---has been my downfall. I knew I should have cut my essay down to 298 words instead of 299!