Yet the desire to take the common and turn it into the uncommon fascinates us all. Unlike alchemy, there seems to be evidence that it is possible to turn any base and common relationship into an extra special one.
There's a principle of relating, when understood and properly applied to any relationship, becomes like the fabled philosopher's stone. It's very touch has the ability to turn base relationships into a golden ones. Here's the principle:
"Every external action is the direct result of an internal reaction; when Jesus calms the core, intimacy grows all the more."To illustrate, when your spouse becomes accusatory and you feel under attack, how do you respond? The person whose core is calm can delight that his or her spouse is actually feeling. In other words, if your internal core is under the control of Christ, you can allow your spouse to feel without becoming defensive.
There are some marriages where one or both spouses are in the habit of bringing up past failures. When my core is calmed by Christ and I'm resting in His forgiveness, then it's easier for me to allow my spouse to feel hurt and wounded and not become defensive.
Likewise, if your spouse is accusatory, your response to the accusations may indicate whether or not Jesus is calming your core. For example, when in a relationship where it is being pointed out that you are deficient in your performance (whatever that may be), you can acknowledge the deficiency (or perceived deficiency) and validate your spouse's feelings because your true and eternal acceptance (by the One who counts) has been settled. God's acceptance of you is not based upon your performance, and that knowledge is the only thing that ultimately settles your internal core to allow your spouse to feel you are inadequate.
Accepted people accept people. Forgiven people forgive people. Loved people love people. Encouraged people encourage people.
You get the idea. The philosopher's stone of all relationships is the grace of God through the Lord Jesus Christ. Only He can calm my internal core. Once He does, every external actions springs from my healthy inner core.
If you are in a marriage where meltdowns are a common occurrence, reflect a while on the statement "every external action is the direct result of an internal reaction; when Jesus calms the core, intimacy grows all the more."
The definition of intimacy is 'into-me-you-see.'
Too many people are not allowed to feel in relationship, because feelings are taken by the other person as their own reality. "I feel disappointed with you because you didn't...." How do I respond when my spouse is disappointed? If I'm healed by Christ in my core, then I delight that she is able to express her disappointment (even if her disappointment is with me) because she is feeling and sharing with me what she is feeling. She is letting me see inside her. That's 'in-to-me-you-see' (intimacy), and when a spouse is validated for what she or he feels, intimacy grows!
So, I can validate my spouse's feelings, because I know those feelings are never an accurate reflection of my real worth. Feelings expressed only accurately reflect what is being felt, and I love everyone who takes the risk to share with me what it is that is being felt inside. I'm not in control of those internal feelings (God is), but I can sure listen, validate, love, and feel no need to defend.
I promise you....
When you begin to understand that every external action towards your spouse is the direct result of an internal reaction within you, you will begin to focus on what Jesus is doing in you in terms of calming your core.
You are not your spouse's problem, nor is your spouse your problem. We suffer meltdowns internally and externally because we either haven't come to know or accept (or may have temporarily forgotten) who we are by the grace of God.
I am forgiven by His grace. I am loved by His grace. I am accepted by His grace. I am guided by His grace. I am perfect by His grace. I am His.
Jesus Christ is my Philosopher's Stone.
In His Grace,
P.S. Those who are experiencing illegal, unethical or immoral behavior by someone in authority should calmly and boldly involve civil authorities (police and/or the courts), because God has ordained civil authorities to hold in check the wicked. By not calling civil authorities, the abuser's actions reveal the inner core is not being calmed by Jesus and His grace. Only Jesus can give the assurance that life is possible without the abuser present.