But the desire to turn what is common into into something valuable fascinates us all. Unlike alchemy, it does seem possible for a person to turn an ordinary relationship into an extra special one.
There is a principle in relationships that acts like the mythical philosopher's stone. It's very application has the ability to turn an ordinary relationship into a golden one. Here is the principle:
"Every external action is the direct result of an internal reaction; when Jesus calms the core, intimacy grows all the more."Here's how it works. If your spouse becomes accusatory and you feel under attack, the person whose core is calm can delight that his or her spouse is actually feeling. That may sound strange, so reread the preceding sentence again. It is good that people feel. Only psychopaths don't feel. It's even better that people tell you how they feel. They're giving you a peak inside them. If your internal core is under the control of Christ, you can allow your spouse to feel without becoming defensive, even if those feelings come out in the form of an attack.
For example, there are some marriages where one or both spouses are in the habit of bringing up past failures. If your one of those marriages, but your core is calmed by Christ and you find yourself resting in His forgiveness, then it's easier to allow your spouse to feel hurt and wounded and not become defensive.
Likewise, if your spouse is accusatory of about the present, your response to the accusations may indicate whether or not Jesus is calming your core. When you are in a relationship where it is being pointed out that you are deficient in your performance (whatever that may be), if your inner core is under the control of Christ you can acknowledge the deficiency (or perceived deficiency) and validate your spouse's feelings because your true and eternal acceptance is settled by the One who ultimately counts. God's acceptance of you is not based upon your performance, and that knowledge is the only thing that ultimately settles your internal core to allow your spouse to feel you are inadequate.
Accepted people accept people. Forgiven people forgive people. Loved people love people. Encouraged people encourage people.
You get the idea. The philosopher's stone of all relationships is the grace of God through the Lord Jesus Christ. Only He can calm our internal cores. Once He does, every external actions springs from a healthy inner core.
If you are in a marriage where meltdowns are a common occurrence, reflect a while on the statement "every external action is the direct result of an internal reaction; when Jesus calms the core, intimacy grows all the more."
The definition of intimacy is 'into-me-you-see.' When you allow your spouse to feel; when you don't take personally the meltdown of the one you love; when you let God take care of your spouse's internal satisfaction and refuse to depend on anyone else's acceptance but God's; when you understand that the only person you can control is you, and God is at work in you completing what He began when Christ took up residence inside you by His Spirit; then you can let your spouse struggle, feel, be in internal turmoil and be okay with it and love your spouse 100% of the time.
It takes two people to fight, and the Bible says 'you get angry because you don't get what you desire." What do you desire internally? Acceptance? Forgiveness? Love? You have it from God in Christ. Now let your spouse feel and be okay with how he or she feels, because your love should not depend on the performance of your spouse. "By this will others know that we are His... when we love one another."
Too many people are not allowed to feel in relationships, because feelings are taken by the other person as their own reality. When it is said, "I feel disappointed with you because you didn't...." we too often respond with anger, withdrawal, frustration, or other negative reactions because we are desperately wanting to be calmed by the well-being of our spouse. If I'm healed by Christ in my core, then I can delight that my spouse is able to express her disappointment (even if her disappointment is with me) because she is truly feeling and sharing with me what she is feeling. She is letting me see inside her. That is 'in-to-me-you-see' (intimacy) at its very core.
It just takes one person to apply this principle in relationships. The other person will eventually understand that he or she is being loved regardless of his performance. That's a very rare kind of love.
So, my goal in my marital relationship is to validate my spouse's feelings, because I know those feelings are never an accurate reflection of my real worth. Feelings expressed only accurately reflect what my spouse is feeling, and I love my spouse for taking the risk of sharing with me what it is that is being felt inside. I'm not in control of my spouse's internal feelings (only God is), but I can sure listen, validate, love, and feel no need to defend myself.
I promise you....
When you begin to understand that every external action towards your spouse is the direct result of an internal reaction within you, you will begin to focus on what Jesus is doing in you in terms of calming your core.
You are not your spouse's problem, nor is your spouse your problem. We suffer meltdowns internally and externally because we either haven't come to know or accept -- or maybe we have temporarily forgotten -- who we are by the grace of God.
I am forgiven by His grace. I am loved by His grace. I am accepted by His grace. I am guided by His grace. I am perfect by His grace. I am His.
Jesus Christ is my Philosopher's Stone.
In His Grace,
P.S. Those who are experiencing illegal, unethical or immoral behavior by someone in authority should calmly and boldly involve civil authorities (police and/or the courts), because God has ordained civil authorities to hold in check the wicked. By not calling civil authorities, the abuser's actions reveal the inner core is not being calmed by Jesus and His grace. Only Jesus can give the assurance that life is possible without the abuser present.